Mother's Day 2010

I am sitting at my kitchen table before church, listening to the cd from Ken Burns's The National Parks, America's Best Idea, The Soundtrack, and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. Thinkng of my dear mother and all that she did for me and all that she was. I read over the blog of her journal and wish I could finish transcribing it. She really was an amazing mother, just full of love and goodness. I am so homesick for her and would give anything to visit with her once again. I also cry for my own children so far away and in such big lives of their own. They will never know how much I love each one of them and ache for them and their world. I miss them. I always tried to be a good mom but I know I failed. And it was all I really wanted in life, really, to be the best mother I could be. It was why I did everything--why I majored in home economics, why I stayed home when they were little (except for Beth) babysitting for other people, typing papers at night for law students, and sweing little Norman Rockwell designer clothes as ways to make enough money to buy food and pay other bills so we could live. When I started working at the ER at WVUH things got better for us financially but I let the world seep into our home, and I was so fragmented with the business of everything. Too busy with work, church, neighbors, kids activities. Too busy to realize just how important the most important things in life are. I never learned how to listen to my children properly. I was just so busy surviving. Trying to keep us all alive and maintained. I wish I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now. Grady taught me how to listen better and how to really have a peaceful, happy home. I had forgotten what my mother and dad had taught me and the home I provided for the girls really was so fast-paced and there was so much fighting with all of us. I wish I could have taught them how to have peace and harmony. It is so good to have that in my life now. Anyway, I am sitting here sobbing, because I just miss my daughters so much. I dream of them all the time. They are always little and happy and involved in their projects in my dreams. They say dreams are either representations of your wishes or your fears. Usually mine are my wishes. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could feel my daughters love for me through all these miles and through all these unforgiven passages of life.

Glacier National Park

This labor day weekend Grady and I are enjoying a drive to Glacier National Park. Today was a very big day with lots of miles, scenery, laughter, and sheer terror as we drove the narrow road through the park, looking over the edge that often had no safety walls. We could not adequately capture such magnificence on film. But here are some photos anyway. We saw no wildlife except for some little mountain goats and by the time I photographed them, they were scampering and I got only their behinds!

Sheilah my friend

Every week I visit my friend Sheilah Hackford, who is from Cornwall, originally. She used to be a nurse in the British army during WW II and she worked as a nurse when she came to America in the 1950's. She has so many wonderful stories to tell. Yesterday I took her to the cemetery to see the graves of 2 of her grandchildren who have passed away. She is one of my best friends.

Garden Spot

I have been thoroughly enjoying a garden this year. I planted beets, pole beans around corn stalks, bush beans, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and zucchini. It has been so fun to see things grow again. So far I have only harvested 4 cherry tomatoes (yummy, though!) and 1 cucumber. It is so worth it!!!

Flu Bug

Well, I am one of the 1,000,000 people in the USA who have contracted the swine flu. It is horrible and lives up to its reputation. I have been off work all week since catching it last Saturday the 20th. Hopefully the doctor will release me to go back to work tomorrow. 10 people in Utah have died from this influenza. I have been at home in bed all week except for a trip to the doctor on Wednesday, where he diagnosed it. It is awful using up all my vacation days to just lay around and sleep! I did read an English novel that my English friend Sheilah Hackford loanded me, "My Sons, My England". That was fun. And Grady has been constantly trying to cheer me up (and trying not to catch the disease himself--with good luck so far). We have been watching "The Lord of the Rings" 9 hours of DVD's together, in bits and pieces. And Karen, my good friend brought me homemade chicken soup. And Maxine, my visiting teacher, brought me spaghetti (she is such a dear elderly woman who has a husband who is very, very sick himself). All in all, I am surviving.