Mother's Day 2010

I am sitting at my kitchen table before church, listening to the cd from Ken Burns's The National Parks, America's Best Idea, The Soundtrack, and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. Thinkng of my dear mother and all that she did for me and all that she was. I read over the blog of her journal and wish I could finish transcribing it. She really was an amazing mother, just full of love and goodness. I am so homesick for her and would give anything to visit with her once again. I also cry for my own children so far away and in such big lives of their own. They will never know how much I love each one of them and ache for them and their world. I miss them. I always tried to be a good mom but I know I failed. And it was all I really wanted in life, really, to be the best mother I could be. It was why I did everything--why I majored in home economics, why I stayed home when they were little (except for Beth) babysitting for other people, typing papers at night for law students, and sweing little Norman Rockwell designer clothes as ways to make enough money to buy food and pay other bills so we could live. When I started working at the ER at WVUH things got better for us financially but I let the world seep into our home, and I was so fragmented with the business of everything. Too busy with work, church, neighbors, kids activities. Too busy to realize just how important the most important things in life are. I never learned how to listen to my children properly. I was just so busy surviving. Trying to keep us all alive and maintained. I wish I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now. Grady taught me how to listen better and how to really have a peaceful, happy home. I had forgotten what my mother and dad had taught me and the home I provided for the girls really was so fast-paced and there was so much fighting with all of us. I wish I could have taught them how to have peace and harmony. It is so good to have that in my life now. Anyway, I am sitting here sobbing, because I just miss my daughters so much. I dream of them all the time. They are always little and happy and involved in their projects in my dreams. They say dreams are either representations of your wishes or your fears. Usually mine are my wishes. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could feel my daughters love for me through all these miles and through all these unforgiven passages of life.